i reached a plateau awhile back and didn’t quite know. frankly it has been a hella winter for me. i have been confronted by my shortcomings and realized it’s more than being stuck- it’s a goddamn quagmire. coming into contact with my own fear of success/failure has numbed my abilities like a tranquilizer dart they use to capture bears before they take them back to the wild.
my hope was to start a consulting service, develop clients, sharpen my process, move away from working for a single organization, and create impact in changing the treatment “system”. that is still my hope. i hadn’t estimated the where-with-all that is needed to actually step away from a regular pay check, self- motivate, and generate my own income. i don’t mean to imply that a regular pay check is not self-generated because we do work for the pay. maybe i mean that the leads for the work are not generated by us.
i fear falling apart. i fear being laughed at. i fear being told no. so naturally, the last few months, i have been telling myself no in order to spare myself humiliation.i had taken a job to keep the revenue coming in while i worked on other goals. what i did not consider was how the constrictions of that job would effect the other parts of my life.
this winter has torn away any facade i may have had about my courage. so often i talk a good game. but this winter, at the crest of these 2 years, i have unveiled a few of my glaring weaknesses. and i haven’t known what to do once they were revealed.
it is said in the recovery circles in which i travel, that accepting myself as i am is part of the work. hella work order if you ask me. it sounds so poetic- to accept all one’s shortcomings and love yourself as you ask for them to be removed. and for some mebbe it is. for this human being though, it seems like sun to a vampire. not the accepting part- but the loving part. i want nothing more than to hate this part of me.
i know what i need to do. i know what i want to do. and i know what i have been doing. hopefully i can find a way to bridge all three of these.