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as the smoke clears

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth...buddha

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth…buddha


2016 might just be an adventure. it’s onset finds me steeping in the results. it aint easy to see my own reflection in the light of day. what i see is (when i let go of the auto-criticizing) i see those damn shortcomings and i see my own thought patterns that create barriers to moving forward.

it seems so simple to conceptualize seeing a problem, neutralizing it, and then removing it. yeah right. what that sentence represents is perhaps the paradox of my personal recovery journey.

certainly, all people have limitations. the only ones i see are my own. and feel the trappings of my own blind spots. but seeing, recognizing, and categorizing really fall short if i am to be able to approach the next round of my dreams. it is imperative for me to rise above them. or work with them. or find a way through.

prayer is definitely a part my routine. once in awhile i pray for something 3-dimensional, but the rule is seeking perspective or space or even relief. perhaps this post is really a prayer for permission to change.

my fears, my second nature, and my blind spots continue to bring me to the same cliffs, crevasses, and quagmires in my life. there are definitely times that i feel i am living my own version of that well-known recovery metaphor film “groundhog day”.  i repost a quote about that film from www.overthinkingit.com:

The plot, in brief: Phil Connors finds himself in a small town, reliving the exact same day, over and over. He always wakes up in the same position, the same physical condition. Thoughout his day, everyone else behaves exactly the same as long as he does. If he acts differently, they will too. Over time, he gathers memories of the previous days. Whatever he does, even if he kills himself, he still wakes up fine the next day.

this synopsis mirrors the state of my life often.  i am in the same place emotionally over and over again. it’s not about the other players. it’s about me and my own game plan. repeatedly i position my emotional armor to replicate the armor i grew up wearing. repeatedly i try to rise about and systematically i am standing again in what seems to be square one.

the work for me- the prayer i offer is to find the strength to allow permission to not act on instinct but pause before acting to give room for a different outcome.

a series of mixtapes were recorded in the 90’s and 00’s under the name of “back to mine” which referred to the selections of dj’s and musicians favorite chill ditty’s they played if listener’s were invited back to their respective homes- “back to mine”

here is the tracklist and selections for “back to mine” by everything but the girl

 
 
 

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