kiss today goodbye….

The sweetness and the sorrow.Wish me luck, the same to you.But I can’t regretWhat I did for love, what I did for love.Look my eyes are dry.The gift was ours to borrow.It’s as if we always knew,And I won’t forget what I did for love,What I did for love.

today was an everyday friday… and yet i wave it goodbye with a not-so-ordinary calm. i processed quite a bit today. i finally have come to understand the reality of some character defects, have begun to accept them, and am consciously asking for them to be removed. there is a quiet grace in this process which is definitely like a clear blue sky on a deep-freeze day.

much of this defect business is about a shopping fetish…. or maybe it’s a spending fetish… or maybe it’s about not saving… whatever it is really about, it is also really invasive and has gotten away from me “like a train on a track” as florence would say. i don’t know if i can make it for months at a time without overspending, but i do know i have to try.

beyond this though, i have also entered what seems to be a new realm for me. i have been asked to assess my own efforts as objectively as i can. the real challenge lies not with overestimating my output, but undervaluing it, i think. as i move through the phases of my cause and effect, i feel intimidated to claim responsibility for this change or that by-product. naturally, part of me wants the credit, but a small but very pertinent child-within tells me i did not do any of this- i am just mistaken. so as i began to work on this, i realized that i have to give this whole thing some real thought. i can’t just say yes or no. and maybe i even have to take a chance and not do the first thing that comes up. it’s perplexing, it’s  daunting, and it’s definitely an opportunity to grow.

i am definitely embarrassed to report that i am recording the last season of oprah. indeed i am a vbq (very big queen) till the end. today, oprah was telling bo derek that bo seemed as if she led her life with an open heart. it seemed a quiet phrase, this open heart phrase, but a voluminous one. perhaps it represents a shift in perception for me. walking through life with an open heart seems not a small thing. not a small thing at all. if i were to look towards what is yet to be, i know that unknown and open heart are not soulmates in my mind.

this is a delicious challenge for me. open heart. letting go. assuming good. forgiving first.  especially considering how much i haven’t done for fear of love. this would most likely be the instrumental of my life. what i haven’t done for love. so today maybe we can also mark a change in direction here as well. open heart. what i do FOR love. hmmmmm

now i’m exhausted just thinking of this.  and it’s time for some sleep. what happened to that calm i was writing about?