September 28, 2020 will ring in 16 years of continuous recovery for me. 2020 has been a Hella year. So many parts of our lives are way out of balance. Over 200,000 Americans have died and we zombie forward like wind up toys and auto-bots. Almost all things are out of whack and we are quarantined most of the time. It's a new age overnight and numb is prolly an understatement of the prevalent state of mind.
2020 also finds most of us walking through multiple traumas and unknowns as best we can. I catch myself urging people around me to be kinder to each other because it's all such a mess. This is an auto-response to trauma that I have developed over my life. I learned early on to forge ahead even though I am completely undone. I am posting a quote here which correlates directly to shame-based trauma- which is completely part of my story. I would guess it is a part of many of the folks you know.
“The inevitable byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, a shame gay men may strive to obscure with a façade of beauty, creativity, or material success.”
“Today’s gay man enjoys unprecedented, hard-won social acceptance. Despite this victory, however, serious problems still exist. Substance abuse, depression, suicide, and sex addiction among gay men are at an all-time high, causing many to ask, ‘Are we really better off?’”
“Shame starts in childhood,” Dr. Downs writes, parsing out the healing process into three stages:
1) Becoming overwhelmed with shame, staying in denial by “splitting” or leading double lives (avoidant behavior, leading to identity crisis).
2) Becoming overwhelmed with a sense that “who you are is wrong.” (Not what you are doing, but who you are as a person.) Addictive, self-destructive or chronically depressed psychological issues arise, and the breakdown becomes more obvious.
3) Becoming whole. In this resolution stage, we open up to the possibility of embracing joy, fully.
These 16 years have revealed to me many prisms of a sober lifestyle. I clung to fellowships early on because I'm such a damn social animal and I never would have made it solo. It is completely right to acknowledge the importance of social support in recovery. In the very beginning of my sober journey I was the GSR in 3 different 12 step fellowships. I also spent 5 days a week doing cardio at the gym for about 10 solid years. I saw the same group of folks daily over that decade run and got some social needs met. The oxygenation was fantastic and the buzz of an elevated heart rate provided me solace. The flipside to these pathways is that I'm so damn opinionated that I have needed to have several options to pursue because I will no doubt find a difference of opinion along the way which requires me to hopscotch. I started blogging in 2006 as a way to express my feelings with a slight veil of anonymity. . Just as is my nature I found myself needing to exit stage left from each and everyone.
Here are some things I learned from my sponsor and my support network- (if you're a newcomer- find a mentor/sponsor and find sober friends to tell you the truth- lived experience is worth its weight in gold.)
1) Develop 3 or 4 Spiritual Practices and lean on them daily- If you stop doing them it's an early warning that somethings may be amiss.
2) God does not create junk. Write this daily for a year.
3) If you go to meetings- shut up and listen- that's the only way you can hear something besides your own bullshit.
4) The only thing you need to know about God is that you're not God.
5) Anhedonia is a real thing. Talk to someone- who is a professional.
6) The gratitude list exercise is non-negotiable. Learning to channel gratitude is a powerful way to redirect negativity. It's not likely that someone feels gratitude while they are envious, fearful, or anger. Gratitude wins every time.
7) The most likely enemy of my peace of mind is me. I can tear myself into bits in 2 seconds flat. Become a friend to myself. (Ouch)
8) After about 5 years in recovery you will hear a loud "POP". That is the sound of your head coming out of your ass.
9) Engage in service work from Day 1. Have a purpose.
What I describe are certainly in relation to character defects many of which I have given some time to work on. I have also realized that my lone wolf tendencies have allowed me the strength to move forward when I have been steeped in trauma. I was raised an only child and never really had to learn to forgive and let go. I learned to regroup and find something new. This remains my initial go-to response to life. I have to pause and think things through- sometimes i even do.
I have lived with a mental health condition for all of my life. I learned to manage and cope through my family - which consisted mostly of overdrinking when things felt outa range and caustic humor as re-direction tool . I was fairly functional until my mid 40's ( blatant mischaracterization). Mental Health has been one of my most powerful teachers. The lessons return and the willingness to accept and evolve have finally come forward.
About 5 years into my recovery journey, I became obsessed with emotional sobriety. I read every Ernie Kurtz book I could find, reread stacks of William White, Pema Chodron, and drove the idea of radical acceptance around the block. I felt I was finally on the path to accepting who I am instead of trying to pull out old masks I crafted to appear differently than I felt. Emotional sobriety is no small feat. It is a process like so many others, and it requires the bravery (or the audacity) to stand in the middle of my feelings rather than always redirecting and rearranging the picture. That picture of me rarely pretty. I'm just an average guy, which remains both a disappointment and a relief.
Early in my recovery, it became crucial to increase the landscape of recovery support. I started 12 step groups for gay men, for men with HIV, began a peer program at a methadone clinic, and an HIV periodical. All of this was in response to what if perceived as unmet needs I encountered in my work as a counselor. I knew very well that social support was imperative, and realized that we all don't feel comfortable around the same crowd. I remain entrenched with a need to make things look better than they are.
Now I find myself traveling the state (virtually this year) encouraging people to be more generous when working with others. This recovery things is a hard road and i believe understanding and support help a lot more than rigidity and finite thinking.
What remains at the root of living for me is the realization that I am able to get out of bed each day. Many of my dear old departed friends don't have that luxury. They didn't get to see the HIV cocktail when it was discovered. They weren't able to experience grunge music or acid jazz. Gay marriage was not even a thought bubble for the people i have loved and lost. I know they would be thrilled to walk through these last 2 decades but they can't. And so I will walk through as best I can- full throttle on enjoying the privilege and gratitude in my heart. I find joy because those i loved would want me to.
16 years is a miracle. Thank you universe- #pcaco#recovery#emotionalsobriety